Z_An Archive

I am amazed by how thoroughly and completely you tricked me. I bought the whole thing, hook, line and sinker. And it is staggering how far I am from the only one. I always wondered about how busy you claim to be, it never seemed like you did anything but shopping and housework, but wow, balancing that many women at a time, that must make for quite the schedule. Do you remember the evening last February, a few nights after you went to Second City and ignored my texts for the first time, when I told you I felt jealous? You frowned and told me it was a sensitive situation. Do you remember how sitting at your desk for just a moment I saw it clearly? I asked you directly if you were doing the same thing with women across the building. I even mentioned names, correct names. And you laughed, mocked me, and made me think I was crazy for calling you a player. I believed you. I let it go. We went for a walk and I tried to get my finger through the hole in your pants. You really are incredibly good at what you do. Of course I hate you for fooling me, (it is humiliating to find out the person you loved and somehow still miss never existed) but wow, you have some mad skillz. Yes, you lie a lot, but you actually told me the truth about plenty too. It was my bad for not paying attention when you told me you hurt people, destroy things, that you could not love, that you think something is wrong with the people that love you, that I deserved better. You said in one of your last comments that we were not playing the same game. That was most certainly the truth. I want to give you a bit of grudging respect for how well you play, I still think you are smart, but if you are the only one who knows the rules it is rather rigged isn’t it? It is kinda sad you are too lazy to even want to play with a worthy opponent. I am not trying to claim that I could have won if I had understood the game, you are the undisputed master of being a sick fuck, but I don’t think I would have lost by such an embarrassing margin. Anyway, I really am done now. Do not worry, I will not try to make any more contact with you or your harem. I have other things to do. 😉

_________________________

I’m sad, and broken, and so sorry and forever regretful to have brought about this hate.  You win.  And I won’t go back to the site, even to see your beautiful nature works, I can’t un-see or un-read the anger and hate and pain.  I do not have hate, but the sadness doesn’t leave, it just keeps growing.  And I’m sure I am sick, we haven’t communicated in months, and still every trip to the grocery store I keep looking for green tomatillos, I don’t know why, but I should probably stop.  I did not want this.  I’m so sorry.

12 thoughts on “Z_An Archive”

  1. Balancing
    Emotions
    Begets
    Various
    Unusual
    Obfuscations,
    None
    Significant.

    Behind
    Every
    Basic
    Virtue,
    Unhappiness
    Or
    Naked
    Sincerity?

  2. I’ve been here before,
    But wait, seems like there is more,
    I’m seeing spots for sure.

    Ohh, consternation,
    Is that precipitation?
    Or a dalmatian??

    Optimism… bleak,
    And then; Sign, Celtic, Morse, Greek!
    I was on a streak.

    And with fleeting glee,
    Set in some reality…
    What the hell is ‘T’???

    But nevertheless,
    Despite continual stress,
    Your sweet skills impress.

    And ahhh, elation!
    Can’t wait for explanation,
    Much adoration. 🙂

  3. Quite the premonition… indeed, there was hi water soon… probably time to invoke a little CCR, who’ll stop the rain.

  4. Flatulate myself with your words? What the…? Oh, flagellate. (…Googling…). Flogging myself with your words for sexual gratification? Well yes, but don’t tell anybody… and what the hell are they exposing you to over at the bank where apparently flatulent flogging is acceptable?? And while I envy your time management skills that allow for this exploration and attention; sadly, I do not have the same discipline or luxury of time… and besides trying to catch up, there’s more annoying training on leadering tomorrow and Thursday which I don’t have time for… so I apologize for not communicating, and I took your note as hinting you would have a busy week and weekend too. Jennifer, I don’t really know what to do… I can’t imagine this perpetual roller coaster of emotions that I prompt and the subsequent contemplation are beneficial…

  5. Oh wow… that shading really looks good. I’d say you’re making impressive progress on your tattooing skills. Very cool 🙂

  6. And that was a most surprising and delightful treat… thank you!!
    Definitely put a new light on the seemingly endless drama at work, where I’m now considering occupations in the Strawberries n Cream field… how could anyone not be happy around that??
    Thank you 🙂

  7. Motionless, the horizon approaches,
    Building, churning, onslaught of emotion,
    Muscles tight, head lowered, and gaze piercing,
    The fog of anger slowly consuming,
    Dark enveloping cloud, crowding the mind,
    But calmly letting all the thoughts entwine,
    And just feel the rush as the hate pours in,
    Freedom from care, to joyfully descend,
    The anger breathes deep, ready for a fight,
    Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Embrace the pain, let the feelings decay,
    Rage, rage, ensure the dying of the light.

  8. It’s kind of crazy to think that it was a year ago this past week that you asked me to call you after your clay class before I left for FL to ask me why I didn’t smile at you that day. That was my first realization that something was going on, although I didn’t really know what… and I’ve handled things so poorly from that moment on. I’ve lost an amazingly talented co-worker, I’ve lost a friend, I’ve contributed to the demise of a marriage and impacted the associated intrafamily relationships that are already delicate… and I’m so very sorry. I’m not angry, and I never was, I suppose I’m numb… but I’m very familiar with the freeing joy of anger, and if that can free you from pain or sadness, I’ll deservedly and happily be your punching bag.

    We are not playing the same game… and the rules we play by and desire expectations for are even further apart.

  9. Furious? No, I knew you could see me looking, your messages changed too quickly after viewing (which further stoked my sick curiosity). And with the variety of questions and conclusions presented, I’m tempted to respond, but you’re probably most comfortable with the reality and exposition you’ve already determined since you’ve got it all figured out. Sorry to have bothered you. All the best, Matt.

  10. So at first I’m not supposed to come to the site because you want to believe that I have no interest in you or your work, but then I’m not supposed to visit the site unless I have something to share. I regret that this has deteriorated to result in an artist making something and then not wanting to share it… and I was just quietly enjoying October drawings, and never knew when another message or puzzle may appear. Attempting to explain a 20 year friendship also seems futile when the audience may be predisposed to conclusions. It’s sad that I thought we got along in the group setting, but we are so dramatically different, and I missed out on just being friends, but every abrupt descent into unrestrained emotionality saw me add a few more weeks to the mental timeline of when communication could possibly be attempted, but it’s clear now you want that to remain in perpetuity. Understood. Goodbye.

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